Hopeful, happiness.

WARNING : Long & emotional post ahead..Read it at your own risk.

What is happiness?

1. happiness  

   Web definitions state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

To me, happiness used to be a very foreign word since when i was a little girl as i grew in a "not so happy family". Yea, "not so happy family" because when i was 7 years old, in my childhood memories, i only remembered my parents being fierce & angry all the time thou there are nice time only on "some days" like once in a blue moon. So, i've always envied those "happy families"..Especially the Malay/English families. Envied how they have family gathering or outing every weekends because i never have family outings or a happy photo of a family. Like a proper & complete ones.Never, never in my life. It's either dad is in a photo, or mom in the photo or both in a "separate position". Boooo~ This sucks. 

My dad, busy working everyday which is a good thing but not always home, breaking of promises which made us not to believe in his words, making my mom sad and all but i don't hate him. Just dislike yet bless to have him.

My mom, never had luxury or pampering days before, and she never once asked for any. Yet, hardworking & was really a good mother/housewife. She cleans, washes, cooks everything that made the house warm that a mother should be doing. Although, my mom does not have high qualifications. She was a woman that keep her words. A woman who brother & I respected & loved the most in the family. ^-^ She was our only happiness. Thou, she was as fierce as a tiger. Haha~

In between, there's loads of complications which i think i'll skip it. Don't wanna pin it down too much. heh~

Anyways, when i turned 12, she passed away due to cancer. We were young back then, & we do not understand what's going on. All we could do was watched her lying motionless on the hospital bed. I did cried a little but i don't know why as well & my brother just stood there looking at her. I still remembered we just stood there stoning. Then days just moved on as usual. 

As we grew older, it's kind of a big blow to my brother & i because we realized that the passing of our mom is real. She's gone, forever. We felt very sad & lost & i felt regretful as i blamed myself for not being there by her side before she left & also i didn't get a chance to say my last words or say my gratitude to her. Not even a Goodbye. >_<  

She have passed for 10 years, i still can't accept that she's not here anymore especially my brother. Which is kind of heart wrenching to see him being alone & that smile, not always there anymore. 

We have lost our only love & happiness. Because of the loss. We tried to find love & happiness through relationships ( friends & BGR ). We searched & seek & hoped. Firstly, we thought we have found "the one" but not long, we lost it again. Yea, another big blow to us. So, all we could was depend on the friends we made. Some is really close that we keep for years. Some, just passed by. 

As we grew older, we know we have to be stronger & independent. Of course spending more time with each other cos all we have left is one another. Due to having a bad impression on our dad, we're not really that close to him but we appreciates his existence & how hard dad is trying to bring us up. ^-^ After all, he's still our dad. So, we would try to spend some time with him & have breakfast with him in the morning.

Now, after i came out & work, i know that how messy & screwed up this world/people can be. I learnt to be more positive & no matter what, look at the bright side. Some people might be nasty, ignore them. Be thankful of everything i have. Be it small or big.

Note to self: "Every day may not be good. But, there's something good in Every day!" ^-^

I used to be a very negative girl but now, i'm learning to accept how the world is and look at the brighter side.:) Some times, saying is easier than done. But just take a step at a time, i believe everything will be better ^-^