random post..

life have been super hectic lately, assignments, birthdays, Chinese New Year, exams, catching up with friends etc..
though, life's hectic but i'm happier now..^-^
and yes, i've changed..
i know i've been metioning it alot but i'm proud that i've changed..^-^
i don't care if some people think that i've change for the better or worst,
as long as my conscience is clear..^-^
as long as i know what i'm doing, i'm fine with that..:))
hees..


i've never feel so happy & good after the breakup,
i've totally lose control of everything especially in relationship.
i am devasted, hopeless, i felt useless..
& it made me lose confidence in myself, i felt miserable, i felt negative about everything especially about myself, i will tend to be very paranoid..
& it was a torment to me..


i'm all alone & no one will truly understand how i feel..
my heart is falling into pieces..
it was like as if someone is stabbing me in my chest..
that feeling...it was indescribable..
that feeling of hurt...will always be there..
though i don't really know how to describe that feeling, i can only say that,
only tears will start to flow down my cheek all of a sudden..
it's just not comfortable, it's a torture..
but i have to go through it alone..
it's all in the mind thingy..


even now, sometimes when i talked or think about my past relationship or when a certain song starts to play in my ipod, it would trigger all those past memories that i had & i will have the urge to cry..
not that i still cant let go or forget the past relationship, is because i'm super duper disappointed in that boy who made me believed in him..
yea..boy..cos he ain't a man..not even a guy..
he made me looked down on him more but at the same time, i feel pathetic for him..
not that i'm mean or cruel but he just made me feel that way..
hmm..maybe is the way he do things..i guess..


anyways,
that chapter of the story has ended, i have to forget & let go right?
but truthfully speaking, i won't and will not..
because i must always remind myself that this is a lesson learnt
& I THANK YOU because if not for him, i will not be today how i am..
& i will not see his true colours..
YA!!! THANKYOU ASSHOLE!!!


yeap..back to now,
another chapter has begun, start a whole new relationship in a different perspective & i'm taking baby steps to think positively about everything around me and of course about myself now..
trust can't be earned overnight..
but i'm willing to take the risk once again..but..BUT..i will not take it to heart, in case i'll get hurt again..
yea..that feeling..SUCKS!!!
but yea..
used to be very paranoid & i feel very insecure with him,
i've talked to him and he answered all my doubts & my curious-ness..
so yeap..i'm glad that he would tell me how he feels & what he's thinking so at least there's some communication among us..
thus, i feel more comfortable when i'm with him..^-^
so..i need to change the way i think about every single thing..
& yea..i'm more positive now and of course still taking baby steps..
i'm a happier girl now..^-^


relationship used to be something very valuble to me, but now, it's not so important anymore..
yup..not anymore..
now, relationship, it's just another part of life..
cos i'm not as lucky as other girls so yea..
maybe i'm a little different,
maybe i just need to put in more effort than the other girls..
hmmm..it's not a bad thing right?
by going through a little more than other girls..


anyways..
i love the way i am now & how the things are going now..
just..not to put all my heart in it & i'll be happy..^-^
though, i'll still feel negative about myself at times,
so i must JIAYOUS!!!! ^-^


shall head to bed now..^-^
goodnight..<3